🌲 Upcote Farm, Cheltenham – July 10, 2025
✍️ The Riff Report Blog | Still hoarse, still happy, still covered in glitter and gravel rash
🎸 Thursday: The Day the Forest Went Feral
If Wednesday was the emotional warm-up, Thursday was the flipping cannonball into the riff pool. The Main Stage roared to life, the pits exploded, and the crowd — already sunburnt and cider-happy — screamed into the trees like wolves on payday.
From heartfelt howls to hardcore havoc, Thursday brought everything: legendary chaos, surprise tears, and the kind of atmosphere that makes you believe in live music all over again.
Welcome to Day One proper, butt. Let’s go.
🎤 Main Stage Mayhem – Big Dogs, Big Feels, Big Walls of Death
💔 Holding Absence
Our Cymraeg heroes absolutely owned the Main Stage before the sun had even hit its peak. Lucas Woodland’s vocals reached biblical levels of emotion. “Afterlife” had us crying, “Gravity” had us airborne, and “Wilt”… well, it broke us. A Welshman leading a forest choir of goths and emo kids? Proper tidy.
“This band saved my life.” – Overheard, and 100% agreed.
🛻 Cancer Bats
Get on your bike, because the Bats brought carnage. “Hail Destroyer” caused three separate pits and a human pyramid made entirely of lads in Slipknot tees. Liam Cormier’s energy could power a small town, and his Canadian politeness while inciting violence was strangely wholesome.
Also: someone crowdsurfed with a crate of tinnies. Legend.
🌀 Turnstile
TURNSTILE. TURNSTILE. TURNSTILE. There are no words, but we’ll try.
The most euphoric set of the entire weekend. “Mystery” was a cosmic slap to the soul. “T.L.C. (Turnstile Love Connection)” turned the crowd into a bouncing, sobbing, screaming ocean of love and limbs. This wasn’t just a gig – it was a sermon in the Church of Hardcore.
One guy literally wept while two-stepping. Same, mate. Same.
🔥 Frank Carter & The Rattlesnakes
Frank Carter, king of chaos, master of ceremonies. He arrived, screamed, split the crowd in half, got the women to form their own pit, and delivered a masterclass in punk performance.
“I Hate You” became a festival-wide group therapy session. “Juggernaut” nearly broke the earth’s crust.
“You beautiful weirdos, I bloody love you.” – Frank (and us, back at ya, you mad tattooed legend).
🎪 The Cave & Neu Stages – Loud, Sweaty, Beautiful
💎 As Everything Unfolds (Cave)
Charlie Rolfe is a beast. Her vocals flipped between melody and menace like a switchblade. “Flip Side” and “Slow Down” made this feel like a main stage preview. Expect big things.
🖤 ZAND (Neu)
Imagine if cyberpunk, industrial goth, and clubland chaos had a glittery goblin baby. That’s ZAND.
They swaggered onto the Neu Stage like it owed them money and delivered filth, fury, and high fashion in equal parts. “Boys Like You” was a sleazy, delicious, punchy banger. Crowd? Unhinged and loving it.
🌲 Forest Stage – Acoustic Feels and Emo Healing
🎸 Beans on Toast
Our favourite rambling folk hero, back where he belongs – barefoot, half-cut, and heartfelt. “MDMAmazing” had us dancing. “The Chicken Song” had us howling. “Magic” had us hugging strangers. Trees isn’t Trees without Beans. End of.
😭 Holding Absence (Acoustic Set)
Yes, them again – and yes, we cried again. The Forest Stage version of “Like a Shadow” was utter heartbreak on a stick. We were all puddles. Emotional masochists unite.
👑 Jamie Lenman (Secret Set)
Lenman’s secret late-night acoustic session pulled in the masses. Between the one-liners and the stripped-down bangers, it felt like an intimate gig for a thousand people. Forest magic. Pure and simple.
🍕 Fuel for the Pit: Food & Drink Highlights
- Best Grub: Mac & Cheese with jalapeños – cheesy chaos.
- Biggest Rip-Off: £9 for “artisan” fries. We paid it. Don’t judge.
- Cheapest Pint: £6.50 lager – warm but effective.
- Most Unhinged Combo: Vegan doner + Monster Energy. Result: pit wizard mode unlocked.
💩 Toilet Watch: Day 2 Status
- Still (barely) usable.
- The Portaloo DJ in Red Campsite is still blasting ABBA.
- One rogue urinal now has a “welcome home” sign.
🏆 Thursday Riff Report Awards
🥇 Best Set of the Day: Turnstile – full religious experience.
💔 Biggest Cry: Holding Absence (Forest) – sobbing into our eco cups.
👟 Best Pit Chaos: Cancer Bats – three pits, one man in crocs.
🌈 Best Dressed: Guy in inflatable T-Rex suit with a “Support Local Bands” vest.
🔊 Most Decibels: ZAND – earplugs were shaking.
😬 The Bad, The Bizarre & The Brilliantly 2000trees
- 📵 Signal still nonexistent. You are now free to live in the moment (and/or scream “Where are you?!” into the void).
- 🔨 Tent peg casualties continue. The ground is harder than Lars Ulrich’s ego.
- 🎸 One guy tried to propose during “I Hate You.” Bold choice. She said yes. Chaos reigns.
🌟 FINAL VERDICT: THURSDAY = RIFF HEAVEN
Thursday 2025 was Trees at its very best: diverse, passionate, emotional, sweaty, and totally unhinged. From the sonic sermon of Turnstile to Frank Carter’s all-out attack, to Holding Absence’s double emotional knockout, this day felt like it was made by music fans, for music fans.
We laughed, we cried, we limped home in glittery socks.
📸 Tag us in your best photos @theriffreportuk
🎧 Thursday Playlist dropping: “Cry. Mosh. Repeat.”
🧼 Shower if you must. Or embrace the filth.
Coming up: FRIDAY – Brutus, Boston Manor, Enter Shikari, and probably another three emotional breakdowns. LET’S AV IT. 💀
C’mon butt, we ain’t even peaked yet. 🎸🔥🍻
