Because nothing kills Christmas dinner faster than blast beats and blasphemy.
Christmas is meant to be about peace, goodwill, and pretending you like your relatives.
Metal, however, has other ideas.
So before you hand over the Bluetooth speaker to your uncle who still thinks Metallica sold out with The Black Album, hereโs your official Riff Report survival guide to the festive tracks that should absolutely stay off the family playlist unless you fancy being disowned before pudding ๐ฎโก
๐ฅ 1. Slay(er) Bells Are Ringingโฆ Probably
Some bands hear sleigh bells and think:
โYeah, but what if Satan was driving?โ
If your Christmas track includes inverted choirs, double kicks at warp speed and lyrics that make the vicar sweat, maybe save it for the afters.
๐ฉธ 2. The Ones That Start With Childrenโฆ And End in Trauma
If a metal Christmas song opens with angelic kids singing, youโre being lied to.
What follows is usually:
growled vocals lyrical violence festive despair
Mum will not be impressed. Dad will ask you to turn it down. Nan will pray harder.
๐ 3. Santa Is Not the Hero Here
Metal Christmas has a long-standing tradition of:
Santa being murdered Santa being possessed Santa being the villain
This does not go down well when there are actual children in the room.
โช 4. Blasphemy Bells
Some songs exist purely to poke Christmas religion in the eye with a spiked gauntlet.
Fair play artistically.
Absolutely not acceptable between grace and gravy.
๐ง 5. Zombie Christmas Is Still Christmas (Apparently)
Undead reindeer.
Corpse snowmen.
Festive apocalypses.
Metal doesnโt ask why, it asks how loud.
๐ 6. Lyrics You Canโt Un-Hear
If the song contains:
explicit references extreme imagery words youโd never repeat in front of your gran
Congratulations. Youโve found a headphone-only festive banger.
๐ช 7. The Ones That Start As Coversโฆ Then Go Horribly Wrong
โSilent Nightโ is lovely.
Until someone downtunes it to hell, adds blast beats, and screams like the apocalypse has arrived early.
๐ฏ๏ธ 8. Doom Metal Christmas = Existential Crisis
Slow. Crushing. Miserable.
Perfect for staring into the fire questioning your life choices.
Less perfect for a family singalong.
๐ 9. Volume Crimes
Some songs arenโt offensiveโฆ theyโre just physically aggressive.
If the track causes ornaments to vibrate and dogs to leave the room, itโs a no.
๐งโ๐ 10. The โFunnyโ Ones That Arenโt Actually Funny
Metal humour is an acquired taste.
Your family did not acquire it.
๐ 11. Anything With โX-Masโ in the Title
You already know this is going to be feral.
โ ๏ธ 12. The Ones That Start Arguments
Lyrics about Christmas being fake, consumerist, cursed or doomed will absolutely kick off a debate no one asked for.
๐ฅ 13. The Absolute Nuclear Options
There are metal Christmas songs that shouldnโt be played:
in front of family at work in public anywhere with laws
You know the ones.
๐ FINAL RIFF REPORT ADVICE
Metal Christmas is brilliant.
Justโฆ read the room.
Save these tracks for:
the drive home your headphones the post-dinner chaos when the relatives have gone and the beer is flowing ๐ป๐ค
๐๐ฅ Merry Christmas, stay loud, and for the love of riffs โ protect Nan. ๐ฅ๐
