Captain Kirk is swapping the bridge of the USS Enterprise for a festival stage, a wall of amplifiers and enough backstage chaos to make even the most demanding rock star look surprisingly reasonable.
Just when you thought 2026 had already exhausted its supply of wonderfully ridiculous rock stories, William Shatner has entered the pit.
The legendary actor and Star Trek icon is preparing to make his heavy metal debut at Riot Fest in Chicago, fronting a new project reportedly called The Fuckers.
Yes, you read that correctly.
At the grand age of 95, Shatner is apparently getting ready to unleash original heavy metal material in front of a festival crowd. However, before the Captain boldly goes anywhere near the stage, organisers may need to complete one of the strangest artist riders ever committed to paper.
Weโre talking DeLoreans, fire breathers, Polish sausage, rescue puppies and enough Faygo to flood a small Welsh village.
This isnโt a rider. Itโs a side quest. ๐ค๐
๐ค FROM CAPTAIN KIRK TO CAPTAIN RIFF
Riot Fest organisers have reportedly spent years trying to persuade Shatner to appear at the independently run Chicago festival.
Letters were sent. Invitations were issued. The campaign continued with the sort of persistence normally reserved for chasing a festival refund or trying to get your mate out of the campsite after four days without sleep.
Eventually, Shatner agreed.
In a video message announcing the appearance, the actor explained that he had decided to debut his new heavy metal record at Riot Fest because the promoters were such enthusiastic fans.
Fair play to them. Sometimes repeatedly asking really does work.
Shatner is now expected to appear at the festival with a backing band filled with musicians who know their way around a thunderous riff.
The reported line-up includes:
- ๐ธ Phil Soussan, former bassist for Ozzy Osbourne
- ๐ธ Britt Lightning of Vixen
- ๐ธ Flamenco guitarist Marcus Nand
- ๐ฅ Fred Aching of Powerflo
That is not exactly a collection of musicians dragged in from the pub five minutes before soundcheck.
Shatnerโs band is reportedly planning to perform brand-new heavy metal songs alongside reworked versions of material from his previous albums.
Whatever happens, subtle background music this is not going to be.
๐ THE RIDER THAT BROKE THE INTERNET
Artist riders are a fascinating part of rock โnโ roll history.
Some musicians request specific food. Others want particular furniture, candles, drinks or carefully controlled room temperatures.
William Shatner, however, has apparently decided to treat the entire city of Chicago as his personal production assistant.
The leaked requirements are reportedly divided into demands for the city, the performance and his backstage hospitality.
Naturally, every section is more unhinged than the last.
๐ค CHICAGO MUST HAND HIM A BOAT
Among the reported requests aimed at the city is the temporary renaming of a local boat in Shatnerโs honour.
The reason?
So he can captain a ship again.
Honestly, that one almost makes sense.
You cannot invite Captain Kirk to town and then expect him to sit quietly in the back of a minibus while somebody else handles the navigation.
Shatner has also apparently requested the opportunity to co-present Chicagoโs weather forecast alongside one of the cityโs most beloved meteorologists.
Imagine turning on the morning forecast and hearing:
โThere isโฆ a 70 per centโฆ chanceโฆ of rain.โ
Beautiful stuff.
Perhaps he can also explain why every British festival forecast changes from blazing sunshine to biblical flooding approximately six minutes before the gates open.
๐ฅ GWAR, FIRE BREATHERS AND A DELOREAN
The demands surrounding Shatnerโs performance are every bit as extravagant.
Instead of travelling around the festival site in a standard artist golf cart, he reportedly wants a DeLorean.
Because when youโre already one of science fictionโs most recognisable figures, ordinary transport simply isnโt going to cut it.
The performance rider also reportedly requests an introduction video created by GWAR.
That combination alone could rip a hole in the space-time continuum.
Shatnerโs theatrical delivery mixed with GWARโs blood-soaked intergalactic madness sounds less like a festival introduction and more like something discovered on an unauthorised VHS tape in the back room of a haunted Blockbuster.
There is also a request for โmanyโ fire breathers.
Not three. Not seven. Just many.
That is the sort of beautifully vague instruction that gives health-and-safety teams nightmares.
๐ญ WELCOME TO SHATNERโS SHAG SHACK
The hospitality section is where things go completely off the rails.
Shatnerโs dressing room is reportedly required to be transformed into something called โShatnerโs Shag Shack.โ
Nobody knows precisely what this means, and quite frankly, weโre not sure we want to know.
Perhaps it involves velvet furniture, lava lamps and a framed photograph of a Klingon holding a bottle of baby oil.
Whatever the dรฉcor, the catering requirements sound equally spectacular.
The leaked rider reportedly includes:
- ๐ญ Four feet of Polish sausage
- ๐ฅค Eight pallets of Faygo
- ๐ซ Strict instructions that the Faygo must not be shared with Insane Clown Posse
- ๐ถ A selection of adoptable puppies from a local animal rescue
- ๐๏ธ A fully themed backstage dressing room
- ๐ป Enough bizarre extras to keep the hospitality team busy until Christmas
The instruction about Insane Clown Posse is particularly important.
There are boundaries in rock โnโ roll, mun.
Apparently, sharing somebodyโs enormous personal supply of fizzy pop is one of them.
๐ถ THE PUPPIES MIGHT BE THE MOST METAL PART
Buried among the DeLoreans, sausages and fire breathers is the surprisingly wholesome request for adoptable rescue puppies.
Now that is a rider requirement we can absolutely support.
Forget bowls of sweets with particular colours removed. More bands should request local rescue animals backstage and help them find permanent homes.
Imagine the festival announcements:
โDue to overwhelming demand, the headline performance has been delayed because the drummer has adopted three Labradors.โ
Weโd support it.
Every single time.
๐ค IS THE RIDER SERIOUS?
There is a very good chance that at least some of these demands have been created as part of Riot Festโs promotional fun.
The festival has built a reputation for humour, absurdity and refusing to behave like a polished corporate music machine.
William Shatner is also no stranger to embracing his own larger-than-life public image.
The entire thing could be an elaborate joke designed to promote one of the most unexpected festival performances of the year.
But honestly, that doesnโt make it any less entertaining.
Whether Riot Fest genuinely has to source eight pallets of Faygo or simply needs to park a rented DeLorean near the artist entrance, the story has already done its job.
People are talking about William Shatner fronting a heavy metal band.
That sentence alone deserves to be preserved in a museum.
๐ธ THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE BRILLIANT
It would be easy to dismiss the project as a novelty act, but Shatner has been experimenting with music for decades.
His distinctive spoken-word delivery has previously been placed over rock, pop and orchestral arrangements, producing performances that are dramatic, strange and completely unmistakable.
Heavy metal may suit him rather well.
The genre has always welcomed theatricality, unusual storytelling and performers willing to commit fully to the spectacle.
Shatner does not simply read lyrics.
He attacks every syllable as though he is delivering an emergency message while the Enterprise explodes behind him.
Add distorted guitars, pounding drums and a stage filled with flames, and this could either be magnificently bizarre or genuinely magnificent.
Possibly both.
๐ช RIOT FEST WAS BUILT FOR THIS KIND OF MADNESS
Riot Fest runs in Chicago from 18โ20 September, bringing together a huge collection of punk, rock, alternative and metal acts.
It is exactly the sort of festival where an unexpected appearance from William Shatner can feel strangely appropriate.
Some festivals chase safe reunion performances and predictable headline bookings.
Riot Fest appears to have looked at its planning board and said:
โWhat about Captain Kirk fronting a metal band while surrounded by fire breathers?โ
Proper job.
No notes.
๐ LIVE LONG AND MOSH
At 95, William Shatner could quite reasonably be relaxing at home, putting his feet up and telling stories about his extraordinary career.
Instead, he is preparing to front a heavy metal project at a major American festival.
That alone deserves respect.
Whether the performance becomes an unforgettable triumph, a glorious disaster or something entirely beyond human understanding, it is guaranteed to be one of Riot Festโs most talked-about moments.
The Captain is entering heavy metal.
The DeLorean is being fuelled.
The Polish sausage is being measured.
Somewhere in Chicago, a pallet of Faygo is being guarded from Insane Clown Posse.
Rock โnโ roll is alive and well, butt. It has simply become considerably stranger. ๐ค๐ฅ
๐ค WHAT DO YOU RECKON?
Would you watch William Shatner front a heavy metal band?
Which request is the most ridiculous: the renamed boat, GWAR introduction, Shag Shack, DeLorean or four feet of sausage?
Let us know in the comments and keep following The Riff Report for more rock news, festival chaos and stories that sound completely inventedโbut somehow arenโt.
Proudly Welsh. Proudly Loud. Zero Apologies. ๐ค๐ด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ท๓ ฌ๓ ณ๐ฅ
