Pretend Foodie Review by The Riff Report
(Where we judge burgers like they’re on MasterChef but eat them in the car like gremlins.)
First Impressions:
I approached the Big Arch Burger like a Michelin critic approaches foie gras – with raised eyebrows and a heart full of grease-fuelled hope. Nestled in a sleek, matte-black box that screams “I’m more important than a Quarter Pounder,” the Big Arch immediately flexes its big burger energy.
The name alone – Big Arch – sounds like a Bond villain or a 1950s wrestling champ. I was expecting a burger that meant business, and visually? It delivered.
Golden sesame-studded bun? Check. Towering layers? Oh yes. Lettuce peeking out like it’s trying to escape? Standard. Cheese melting down the side like a cheddar avalanche? Tidy.
The Ingredients (as described by someone pretending to be on the telly):
- A 100% British and Irish beef patty, seasoned and seared with McPrecision™.
- Two slices of cheese, possibly American, but honestly, it could be cheddar in disguise.
- Smoky peppercorn mayo – the posh cousin of Big Mac sauce that went to university.
- Crisp lettuce and fresh tomato, because we must pretend this is healthy.
- A gloriously toasted brioche-style bun that whispers “artisan” but screams “I came out of a factory 20 minutes ago.”
The First Bite:
Now I don’t want to exaggerate, but that first bite? Transcendental.
I felt like I could hear choirs. Gregorian chanting. Possibly Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” building in the background.
The peppercorn mayo hit first – creamy, rich, with a little heat on the back end like a sassy kick in the throat. The beef patty was juicy, not dry – which is a flipping miracle at a drive-thru. The cheese? Gooey, plentiful, and evenly distributed like a warm dairy hug.
Texture Score: 9/10
It had crunch (lettuce), squidge (mayo), meatiness (beef), and softness (bun). A real mouth party. Just don’t eat it while wearing a white shirt. You will regret it.
Flavour Breakdown (aka let’s overanalyse a burger):
- Smoky Mayo – legit elevates it. Like, this could pass for something out of a proper burger joint in Shoreditch.
- The Tomato – shockingly not sad and soggy. It actually had bite.
- The Bun – golden, slightly sweet, held together like the band Queen in the ’70s: barely, but gloriously.
- Beef – not your standard double cheeseburger fare. This one tasted… meaty. Like it once had ambition.
Value for Money? 💰
At around £6.89 on its own, or £8.69 as a meal, it sits in that premium McD’s zone. But compared to some of the cardboard burgers other places are flogging for £12, this is a proper job. Plus, you can use the McDonald’s app to earn points and feel like you’re gaming the system while you inhale it in the car park.
Final Verdict:
🥇 THE BIG ARCH BURGER: 9/10
This isn’t just a burger. It’s a fast-food fever dream dressed up as a bistro bite.
Is it going to beat Five Guys? Nah.
But for a cheeky Maccies mission? It’s the main event.
Pair It With:
- A large Coke Zero (because balance, innit)
- Spicy Veggie Dippers on the side for your mate pretending to be healthy
- Or go full goblin mode with a McFlurry chaser
One-Line Summary for the Gram:
“Posh sauce, perfect melt, no regrets – Big Arch is a Big Win. 🍔👑 #RiffReportEats #FoodieButMakeItFastFood”
Riff Report Foodie Pretender Tip:
Next time you eat it, say words like umami and mouthfeel loudly so strangers know you’re a food critic. Then wipe mayo off your chin and carry on.
Diolch for coming to this ridiculous food sermon.
Now go get sauce all over your steering wheel. 🍔🔥
Want us to review more fast food in full chaotic foodie mode? Hit us up at https://theriffreport.co.uk/ and let’s pretend we’ve got refined palates together 🤘
