“Swansea is the graveyard of ambition.” – and also, apparently, the best bloody place to blow up a Portaloo full of drugs.

WHAT’S OCCURRING, YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARDS?

Right then, c’mon butt
 let’s get one thing straight – Twin Town isn’t just a film. It’s a full-throttle fever dream soaked in piss, petrol, and Super Furry Animals. Released in 1997, directed by Kevin Allen (who clearly inhaled a few too many paint fumes in his youth), this chaotic cult classic is part love letter, part headbutt to Swansea – and we at The Riff Report absolutely f***ing love it.

If Trainspotting is Edinburgh’s heroin-laced poetry, Twin Town is Swansea’s cider-fuelled punch-up behind Kwik Save. đŸ„ŽđŸŸ

THE PLOT (SORT OF
): 🎇

So here’s the skinny: Twin brothers Jeremy and Julian Lewis (played by real-life mischief-makers Rhys and Llyr Ifans) are two drug-hoovering, car-thieving, karaoke-wrecking tearaways. When their dad – the legendary Fatty Lewis – takes a chainsaw to the leg while trimming trees for a local crooked businessman, the twins decide they’re owed compensation.

But when Bryn Cartwright (owner of half of Swansea, and 100% knobhead) refuses to pay up, the Lewis lads unleash absolute carnage. We’re talking:

Portaloos going boom đŸ’„ Drug dealers in drag 🚬👠 Dodgy coppers with karaoke habits đŸŽ€ And a goat. Obviously. 🐐

THE CAST: đŸ”„

Every single character in this film feels like someone you’d meet down Wind Street on a Friday night after seven WKD Blues.

🎭 Jeremy Lewis â€“ Rhys Ifans with the hair of a mad poet and the attitude of a pissed-off badger. Charismatic, chaotic, probably hasn’t washed in weeks.

🎭 Julian Lewis â€“ Llyr Ifans is the quieter, broodier twin
 which somehow makes him scarier. Like he’s thinking about shoving your kebab somewhere it shouldn’t go.

đŸȘ“ Fatty Lewis â€“ Their dad. Wields a chainsaw and belts out “Delilah” like a demon. An icon. A Swansea saint. A man who bleeds gravy.

🧀 Bryn Cartwright â€“ The film’s posh(ish) villain. Thinks he’s class because he owns a golf club, but still eats Greggs in his car. Get in the bin, Bryn.

THE QUOTES: 💬

This film is more quotable than a rugby club on a stag do in Llanelli.

“You think Swansea’s a pretty shole, don’t you?”

“I think it’s a very pretty shole.”

“We’re not in f*ing Neath, mate.”

“This is not a fairy tale
 this is a story about real people, real lives, real drama
 and real BASTARDS.”

Lines like that don’t just hit – they slap you round the face with a wet Leek and nick your car stereo. đŸ’„

THE SOUNDTRACK: đŸŽ¶

Absolute TIDY.

Oasis, The Who, Super Furry Animals, Mannish Boy, Steppenwolf – it’s like someone took a rock ‘n’ roll mixtape, spilled amphetamines on it, and hit play. 🎾

One moment you’re vibing to Born to be Wild, next thing you’re watching the lads glueing someone to a toilet while yelling “GET ON WITH IT!”

Honestly, the soundtrack deserves its own BAFTA. If this film were a pub jukebox, you’d never leave.

THE VIBES: đŸŒ§ïž

This ain’t no tourist board promo for Swansea. There’s no Gower sunsets and surfers here, mun. Just rain, wreckage, and rampant drug use. But that’s why we love it.

You get greasy chip shops, rusting playgrounds, toilet-hued housing estates, and an entire film that smells faintly of Embassy No. 1 and regret. The city’s never looked so
 lush. 😎

Only in Wales, mun.

TWIN TOWN VS TRAINSPOTTING: đŸ„Š

Everyone compares the two, but let’s clear this up – Trainspotting is the cool cousin in a leather jacket. Twin Town is the insane uncle in a trackie who farts during funerals and sets fire to his shed while singing Cwm Rhondda.

And honestly? We’d rather get drunk with the uncle.

TIDY LITTLE NUGGETS: 🧐

The Ifans boys? Legends. Rhys went on to be Lizard Man in Spider-Man and Howard Marks in Mr Nice, but this was his proper star turn. A performance so off-the-wall it probably needs its own warning label. Director Kevin Allen is Keith Allen’s brother – which explains a lot. The karaoke scenes were real. So was the madness. Apparently, filming got so wild the local Swansea council wanted to ban the team from ever coming back.

RIFF REPORT’S VERDICT: 🏮

Twin Town is a pure, chaotic, Welsh masterpiece. It’s crude, rude, loud, proud, and it doesn’t give a flying Dai what anyone thinks. It captures a very real slice of life from 90s Wales – even if that slice is sprinkled with cocaine and petrol.

It’s the kind of film you watch with your mates, cackle your head off, then question your life choices.

In other words: PROPER JOB.

FINAL RIFF RATING:

🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉 / 5 DRAGONS

“Would watch again with a can of Red Stripe and a bag of Scampi Fries.”

TWIN TOWN IS LOVE. TWIN TOWN IS LIFE.

Have you seen it? Got a dodgy copy on VHS somewhere? Can you still quote every line like you’re in the karaoke bar with Fatty Lewis himself?

Tell us on staging.theriffreport.co.uk/ or shout us on socials @theriffreportuk đŸ–€

And remember, if you don’t like it


“We’re not in f***ing Neath.”

Diolch for reading, legends. Now go do something Twin Town would absolutely not approve of. đŸ§šđŸŽ€