A sequel nobody asked for, but we still showed up wearing hockey jerseys and hope.

🏌️‍♂️ We Showed Up in Our Hockey Jerseys for This?

When news broke that Happy Gilmore was getting a sequel, The Riff Report office erupted like someone just announced a secret Foo Fighters pub gig. We were buzzin’, mun. A 90s classic returning with Adam Sandler? Shooter McGavin? Golf fights? YES MUN.

We cracked open a crate of Red Stripe, put on our Bob Barker tribute tees, and settled in. What we got instead was a cinematic four-putt. A sequel so bad, it makes Shooter’s “I eat pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast” line feel too kind.

This wasn’t a comeback. This was a comeback tour headlined by a cover band with food poisoning.

🕳️ The Plot: So Thin You Could Tee Off Through It

Alright, here’s the deal:

Happy Gilmore is now in his 50s and living the grumpy retired sports legend life. He’s off the course, running a youth hockey programme (aww), and mostly just yelling at lawnmowers and reminiscing about punching Bob Barker.

Enter Tyler “Swagshot” Taylor — a Gen Z golf influencer who livestreams his swings, says things like “Let’s get this bread,” and uses neon pink clubs. He challenges Happy to a one-off charity match after mocking him on TikTok. (Because of course.)

The twist? The golf course where Happy first trained is being sold off to build luxury flats, so now the game has high stakes. Emotional stakes. Gentrification stakes. Oh, and also… there’s a side plot about Happy being haunted by Chubbs’ ghost, who gives advice through Alexa. 😵‍💫

It’s not even so-bad-it’s-good. It’s just so-bad-we-felt-betrayed.

👀 The Cast: Old Faces, New Cringe

🧓 Adam Sandler as Happy Gilmore

He’s back! And… sleepy. We love Sandler, but this ain’t the unhinged, ragey Happy from ‘96. This is a man who clearly did this movie between naps and probably rewrote scenes mid-take just to get it over with. The occasional spark is there, but it fizzles fast.

😈 Christopher McDonald as Shooter McGavin

Still wearing the gold jacket. Still smug. Still chewing scenery like a man possessed. But this time, they made him a “redemption arc” grandpa who teaches golf etiquette on YouTube and cries over croissants. We were tamping.

👻 Carl Weathers as Ghost Chubbs

We wish we were joking, but no — Chubbs returns as a floating blue force ghost who literally says, “Use the swing, Happy.” At one point, he plays air banjo on a cloud.
Only in Hollywood, mun…

🎥 Cameos Galore (And None of Them Work)

  • Ben Stiller’s nursing home villain returns via Zoom call.
  • Kevin James is a rival caddie with IBS.
  • Post Malone plays “Lil Wedge,” a vape-slinging social media caddie who raps about putting.
  • There’s even a parody version of the “Price is Wrong” scene — except now it’s The Masked Singer judge Ken Jeong.
    You know what? We were done by then.

🎯 Jokes? Swing and Miss, Butt

Remember when Happy fought Bob Barker and we laughed so hard we nearly dropped our pints? Well this film tries so hard to recreate that magic. Problem is, it doesn’t trust the audience to enjoy the weirdness — it forces it.

It’s all:

“Remember that joke?”
“You liked this line before, yeah?”
“What if we do the same thing but make it about TikTok and energy drinks?”

No thanks. We’re good.

And the emotional climax? Happy gives a heartfelt speech about “golf being the metaphor for life, and sometimes life gives you a bad lie.”
Proper job? No. Proper cringe.

🎵 Soundtrack: Spotify Golf Dad Edition

You’d expect a bit of energy here — maybe some throwback bangers, maybe some modern edge? Nah.

We got:

  • Eye of the Tiger (again)
  • Tubthumping (because of course)
  • Ed Sheeran acoustic remix during the sad montage
  • And Baby Shark in a nightmare sequence (we genuinely don’t know what happened there)

It’s like someone gave a Spotify playlist to a confused uncle and said, “Make it funny.”

📉 Cinematic Direction: Straight Into the Rough

Everything is overlit, overly glossy, and somehow still confusing to watch. The golf scenes feel like Mario Golf cutscenes. The comedy beats are chopped to hell in editing. It’s got the tone of a daytime Nickelodeon sitcom and the timing of a damp firework.

We don’t mind daft. We love daft. But this was lazy daft. And that’s unforgivable.

⭐ Riff Report Rating: ★★☆☆☆

One star for Sandler still trying.
One for nostalgia.
That’s it. That’s your lot.

If you’re curious, drunk, or just a glutton for punishment — go for it. But if you love the original like we do? Save yourself. Rewatch the first one. Or hit yourself with a putter. It’ll hurt less.

💬 What Did YOU Think?

Did you love it? Hate it? Have an existential crisis halfway through like we did?

Shout your takes in the comments below, or meet us on the golf course at dawn for a duel. We’ll be the ones in “Tap It In” hoodies with tears in our eyes.

🎬 MOVIE THAT SUCK 🤘

Welcome to the Hall of Shame.
Happy Gilmore 2 is the newest inductee into our elite category of sequels, remakes, and reboots that should have stayed in development hell.